My Story… or, God’s Story – Grant’s Testimony

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Hi! This is Grant, and I’d like to tell you my story.

I grew up in church — attended all three services a week. I have the best parents. I was your basic “good kid” —  a church kid. But there’s a dirty little secret about me that not many know. I was addicted to pornography. For a good while, I was living in the sin of pornography. I was completely enslaved to its hold, and I even still attended church three times a week. Nobody knew. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop.

I was first exposed at the age of about twelve years old through an anonymous email that only contained a link. I clicked on it. By the time the page had loaded I had already clicked cancel, but it wasn’t fast enough. The images had popped up, I had seen them, and they were in my head.

Skip forward a few months.  I’m 13 now, and they are still fresh in my mind. I opened a browser and began viewing porn for the first time out of my own will. At that moment I became an addict. I became a slave, by my own choice, at the age of 13. And the thing is, I liked it. Nobody knew. I felt so guilty after, but I still did.

Over the next six months I continued. I continued to like it, I continued to view it, and I continued to hide it. But something began to change.  It started to take more and more to satisfy me. It wasn’t quite the same anymore.  I started to feel a little empty. But that didn’t stop me — I just kept on down that path — because I loved it. I began feeling less and less guilty after.

Another six months passed, and I was completely empty. It took so much, and I gave in so much. But it was all so empty — vain. Porn ran my life, and it was in control of me. I felt so guilty for not feeling as guilty as I should, but I found that actually that was guilt. I was ready to be done. I wanted out. I wanted to be free. But I couldn’t be. I couldn’t stop. I tried. Sometimes I could go like a day, or maybe two, but that was it. Sleep was terrible, and I was tormented with dreams and visions of people finding out. I felt like a monster. I wanted to tell my parents. I knew I needed help, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell them. So one day I didn’t leave it as secure as I would normally. They found it, and we talked about it, and I repented.

We didn’t set any safeguards, though. I went without it for about another six months, but everything was still so alive in my mind. I prayed and prayed for healing of my mind and to be 100% free from it, but the images didn’t go away instantly,  and after the the six months had passed, I slipped up and viewed it again. It was crushing afterwards — I was at the bottom again. Again, I had given in. Even with my parents helping and praying, I still fell. How could this happen? I had repented and prayed for freedom, and I know my parents prayed too. I wasn’t supposed to just relapse like that, but I did.

The core problem was that my heart hadn’t truly changed. It wasn’t very long this time though, and I decided that I wanted to be done for good, and maybe it wouldn’t be an overnight breakthrough, but gradual steps in the right direction. So I’d go two days without and then mess up. But then the next time I’d make it a week, and then two weeks, and then a month, and then a year, and then two years. Through lots of prayer and trusting God to forgive when I confessed my sins, I hadn’t jumped right out of my chains, but I had walked out — one step at a time.

That’s my story of my great sins and of grace that was greater. To anyone out there in bondage to pornography, I feel you. I know how hard it is, even when you want to stop. I want you to know that there is hope and power found in Jesus’ name, and that if you confess your sin He is faithful and just to forgive your sin. He wants to help you out — you just have to let Him. To the teens reading this, I hope and pray that you won’t fall into this as I have in the past, and I encourage you to guard your heart from even beginning to think about pornography. And to the parents reading this, know that porn is a real enemy to your kids — it’s out there. Even the best  internet safeguards can be breached, but I still suggest them. The best safeguard for them is prayer, and to teach them to guard their hearts, and to equip them with the full armor of God so that they can withstand the wiles of the devil.

~Grant

4 Comments

  1. hi Grant! I’m pearl- a friend of Amanda’s from ballet. I just want to say thank you. i know you are being criticized because of this post and it took a lot of faith to put your story out there for everyone to see-but i just want you to know that reading that meant so much to me. you don’t understand but it did. growing up i didn’t live in the best family and my dad passed away last year. i have lost so many of my morals that i used to hold true- some of them including what i put in front of my eyes. i know it’s wrong, but everyday i try to be good and faithful to make up for it. i never thought that talking about it would help me. the fact that you made this post honestly made me not feel so alone. i have fears that people will find out some of my sins that i don’t want anyone to know. it’s hard and i totally get you. but prior to reading this, i had intended to read your testimony and tell you how thankful i already was that you would share something so deep. i want to tell how that i am very proud of you even though i don’t actually know you. and how dare people judge you. that’s God’s job and God’s job alone. People have no right to judge you and criticize you. you have immense faith to put your story out there-faith many of us do not have. so how dare people doubt you suddenly because you put information out there about your past- they have sin too. their’s just isn’t out there for everyone to see. but notice how i said PAST. PAST means it’s behind you. now i totally understand how relapse is a problem. i struggled with depression all my life and one of my worst fears is going back- and not for the first time. so people cannot have power over you like that. that was who you were and the fact that you struggle everyday will shine God’s light. screw the haters because God loves you and i love what i know of you. Good and the bad, because i would want someone to do that for me. thank you grant. this means so much to me.

    1. Aw i’m so glad my story helped you know that you aren’t alone, Pearl. And remember, working to be good and faithful is not what saves you or makes you pure. Jesus does.:) And Jesus already knows all of your sins and mine, but he still loves us more than we can even comprehend. Live like you’re loved.:) ~Grant

  2. Hi Grant:) Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know that wasn’t easy. God has done an amazing work in you! Never forget who you are in Him and to Him. You are completely pure and loved beyond measure. You are priceless, and your story is powerful. God has and will continue to use it to impact lives. Never forget or doubt this! You are a blessing!

    I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. – Ephesians 3:16-21

  3. Hey Grant! You have been such a great friend to me! You’ve listened to my rants, been a friend when I needed one most and have been all kinds of awesome and encouraging! Believe me when I say I know how hard this was for you! Even know being 16 and having shared my testimony a lot at various events and at GoldRush I still have a hard time opening up and sharing everything I’ve struggled with! I know this was hard, and I commend you and everyone else who have shared their testimonys about porn! I’ve never struggled with this but I’ve struggled with other things. You gave me an encouragment that I’ve never gotten before! And have reminded me that grace is greater than our struggles and that it never ends but is ever present! And that God NEVER, gives up on us!!

    Thank you so much for this post Grant! I know it was so hard but it’s encouraged me and encouraged others in ways you may never know this side of heaven! But you’ve impacted many!! 🙂 never forget that! Your a dear friend of mine, and I can never thank you enough for this post!! 🙂

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